I wanted to open up more about what goes on in my life and open up more with you. i want to connect more with you guys and hopefully answer the question “Am I the only one?” in hopes that someone has also experienced similar issues and we will both know that we are not alone.
First off, these past two weeks have been extremely crazy and such a whirl wind i did not know what to do with myself.On September 22,2015 i was woken up by my mother-in-law calling at 3 am to advise that my husbands uncle had passed away. I woke him and advised of the news and just held my husband in the dark as tight as i could and did not say a thing. i had been purposely kept away from deaths in my family so I did not know what to do or say, so I figure the best thing to do is not say a thing. I never went back to sleep, got ready and went to work following my normal morning schedule. At work, I spent the entirety of the day at work worried on how my husband was feeling, but unsure on how to talk about the subject. I wanted to be as supportive as i could possibly be. Later when we went over to his fathers house, which was the longest silent car ride i have ever had. Right before we entered the door he advises me to stop being so awkward and that his main worry is for his father’s reaction to the news. I felt even more awkward but slightly relieved as we entered the house.
While at his parents house, my husbands father was on the phone majority of the time dealing with the argument that is going on between all of the siblings as my sister in law enters the room and starts speaking about the things she experienced while going through the uncles things and cries. I feel her grief wash over me as It becomes hard to breath and tears well up in my eyes and i cry as i listen to her. I had only met the uncle a few times during family get together’s but i could not help crying. I was not sure if these feelings/reactions are normal? I did not draw any attention away from the family, i just stayed in the corner and continue brushed the tears away.
As the night came to an end around 11pm I gave my father-in-law a long hug whispering to him that i hope he is doing ok before heading home. I admire my husbands father a lot and look up to him as an amazing man, father, and grandfather. So, I questioned myself if this is the right thing to do, I fear that i cannot do anything to help out. Is it normal to feel helpless when wanting to be supportive of those you deeply care about?
The very next day, I was at work on break with a co-worker when I saw a baby chipmunk just curled up in a ball on the dirt. I walk over to it slowly and slowly reach my hand out and was able to touch it. The babies eyes opened and it slowly moved away, 5 minutes later is circled around. My co-worker told me that the baby had been around for a few days and people had moved it towards its nest but the baby keeps coming back. I was worried about the baby chipmunk and went out to find it again. i made little noises and called to it, the baby chipmunk came to me and walked into my hand. Shaking with excitement as the baby nibbled my fingers looking for food. I asked my husband if i could bring it home. He agreed. I brought it home and spent the night bottle feeding and making sure the baby was warm.
I could see that the baby had brought a joy and lightness to my husband which i thought was maybe a blessing in disguise, though I feared that the next day would be a completely different story. I did my best to not get attached to the baby but my husband named him Monkey due to the little bark sounds it made when it wanted to be held. Needless to say i fell in love.
Next day, while at work my husband contacted me telling me i had to find the baby a person to help nurse it back to health before setting it free because he could not handle the duty of trying to do it since it reminded him too much of the rats that we had in the past years. (Long story short we bought 2 rats telling them to give us 2 males, they gave us a girl and a boy, few months later they had a litter of 18 babies and we kept them all. My husband was home alone during majority of them as they passed away over the years.) I balled and felt terrible that I had brought home an animal that reminded him of 20 deaths on top of the death of his uncle. I apologized to him, beating myself up for not thing about this possible outcome and quickly found a friend who has nursed animals back to health before setting them free. The rest of the day passed by so slowly it was torture, I cried off and on throughout the day for my stupidity in hurting him this badly. When the day finally ended i was able to hand off the baby along with the formula and bottle i was using to feed it with. My husband and i felt like a weight had been lifted and the stress was gone knowing the baby was in good hands.
Was I in the wrong for not thinking about how the baby chipmunk would of effected my husband?
A week passed by before we were advised of when the funeral would be. At the funeral I had the same thing happen to me as I would cry off and on multiply times throughout our time in there as I remained silent as i met and hugged every member of my husbands extended family. Is it normal to be uncontrollably overcome with emotions? After the stress of driving in a procession for the first time, everyone met up at his aunts house where the surrounding emotions were no longer of sadness and everything seemed fine.
Today is Oct 8th, I still have not fully recovered from all the stress for that week…well… I have been told i look tired and worn out by everyone. 😦 But I have continuously thought about everything that had happened and what i could of done differently.
How do you deal with death in your loved ones life?
Is it normal to be overcome with emotions that you cry for someone you were not close to?
Am I the only one?